Pregnant

Love it when a word I heard ages ago comes back and hits me square in the face. Perhaps it needed time to marinate...perhaps it wasn't it's time yet for me...perhaps I wasn't ready for it or I wasn't in the right place at the moment, but praise God for podcasts. Awhile back AJ Jones at Emanate spoke on Pregnancy in the Spirit and I considered it a good message but I had no clue where I fit in the spectrum. Was I in the Intimacy stage, where everything begins; the preparation stage, where harmful habits are replaced with healthier ones; the germination stage, where things beginning growing inside but no one can tell and often where purging takes place still; the expansion period, where people do start noticing and preparation is kicked into high gear; the kicking stage, when you just want the thing to get out already; or the birthing stage, where all you can do is push with all you have? Uh...I felt like I was in the birth control stage actually where even if I wanted to birth something there was a bit of a contraceptive problem prohibiting anything from happening.

Life seasons have obviously been changing a lot lately. Can we call SOM an intimacy period? Perhaps yes though I would be the first to say I should most definitely revisit that a lot more. Even while there I could sense sometime stirring up in me. It was that deep ache in the deepest part of me that wanted to come out in any way possible, the kind that, when allowed, typically manifested itself in a groan or deep yell for who can put words to a spiritual longing? I guess then I didn't give it much thought; surely it was just me releasing pain of the past...or something. And it probably was, but what if it were more??

And here I am, in yet another new season/stage. So, where am I? I'm not sure; I'm not satisfied that is for sure. There has to be more coming. Surely. At the conference last week I had the spontaneous thought that perhaps I am pregnant with something. Something is coming! It's gotta come out sometime! Lord, have I prepared my "body" well for this baby? Am I living in such a way that this pregnancy will be a healthy one? Have I prepared externally? I just hope I know when it's time to push...I definitely don't want to be pregnant longer than necessary or delay the birth just because I'm not paying attention. And I want to be a good mother to whatever this is that God's going to birth through me, just as any pregnant woman desires to care for her naturally born child.

"Behold, I am the Lord's servant. May it be to me as you have said."