"Yet Again"

With all the truth I have
I feel so far behind
Has it benefitted me at all
Or have I just thrown it to the ground
Have I discarded your word?
Have I passed you by?

May I climb that tree again
May I call your name in the streets
May I seek you with abandon
May I act a fool for you
'Til all my walls are puddles at your feet
....yet again

I feel so lost
Though you say you're beside me
You say you neve leave me
And I have the Comforter inside me
Do I just torment myself?
Have I yet learned anything from you?

Why have I let my hands be bound?
Where have I buried my heart?
How clogged are my ears?
Take the shades away from my eyes
And teach me the way of surrender
....yet again

Melt me, LORD
Soften me with love
Bathe me in your oil
Smother me in fragrance

Prepare me to be your Bride
Inside and out may I be transformed
You call me, 'Lovely,' may it be so
Let me be all you have dreamed I should be
May I see myself for how you made me
....yet again

Pregnant

Love it when a word I heard ages ago comes back and hits me square in the face. Perhaps it needed time to marinate...perhaps it wasn't it's time yet for me...perhaps I wasn't ready for it or I wasn't in the right place at the moment, but praise God for podcasts. Awhile back AJ Jones at Emanate spoke on Pregnancy in the Spirit and I considered it a good message but I had no clue where I fit in the spectrum. Was I in the Intimacy stage, where everything begins; the preparation stage, where harmful habits are replaced with healthier ones; the germination stage, where things beginning growing inside but no one can tell and often where purging takes place still; the expansion period, where people do start noticing and preparation is kicked into high gear; the kicking stage, when you just want the thing to get out already; or the birthing stage, where all you can do is push with all you have? Uh...I felt like I was in the birth control stage actually where even if I wanted to birth something there was a bit of a contraceptive problem prohibiting anything from happening.

Life seasons have obviously been changing a lot lately. Can we call SOM an intimacy period? Perhaps yes though I would be the first to say I should most definitely revisit that a lot more. Even while there I could sense sometime stirring up in me. It was that deep ache in the deepest part of me that wanted to come out in any way possible, the kind that, when allowed, typically manifested itself in a groan or deep yell for who can put words to a spiritual longing? I guess then I didn't give it much thought; surely it was just me releasing pain of the past...or something. And it probably was, but what if it were more??

And here I am, in yet another new season/stage. So, where am I? I'm not sure; I'm not satisfied that is for sure. There has to be more coming. Surely. At the conference last week I had the spontaneous thought that perhaps I am pregnant with something. Something is coming! It's gotta come out sometime! Lord, have I prepared my "body" well for this baby? Am I living in such a way that this pregnancy will be a healthy one? Have I prepared externally? I just hope I know when it's time to push...I definitely don't want to be pregnant longer than necessary or delay the birth just because I'm not paying attention. And I want to be a good mother to whatever this is that God's going to birth through me, just as any pregnant woman desires to care for her naturally born child.

"Behold, I am the Lord's servant. May it be to me as you have said."

Freshwind!

In the days prior to traveling up to Toronto and attending the (youth) conference Freshwind I was having conflicting thoughts concerning my prudence. Why had I splurged so much money for a week trip to another country? Was this smart? Would God meet me? Really all I wanted was for my world to be rocked again...for God to remind me yet again that He truly does love me, He knows me, He knows what I need, and He watches over me all the time. Guess it's that innate need/desire for that Protector in my life. I wanted to be jolted away from the crappiness that the world tells you is reality and to be swallowed up into the supernatural, the spiritual, the Real. Does this mean I expect this scenario only to play out in the river of Toronto? No, but this trip sure did look like a good excuse for such an encounter.

Seeing my SOM fam was amazing and more than I could have asked for. At first I found it hard to grasp the reality of seeing my friends in the flesh before my eyes but with each encounter, my heart softened a bit more and more. Suzi, my love, was the first and that was an indicator of what God had in store for me the rest of the week. Best encounter = Olivia. By Friday I had seen a good deal of the students from my school, outreach team, and small group, but Olivia wasn't getting in town til Friday and I was looking out for her. As I walked into the auditorium I was about to tell Erin (my roomie) to keep her eyes open for Olivia when saw some of O's good friends that I had already seen. My eyes passed over Claire, and then Stine, and then, oh someone else was with them...AAAEEEIIIIKKKK!!! I screamed and then Olivia screamed and we caused a roucus and it was amazing! And I almost cried. Wow, that's a testimony to a working of the heart. I'm a now a softy?? haha, yes.

The conference was good with amazing worship and powerful speakers. (The sessions are online at http://www.catchthefire.tv/ for the next week.) They were speaking to a group of 2,000+ teenagers but the message applies to all. God is calling us to step up, be leaders in this crazy world, and shine the light where there is darkness. So, let's rise up, friends. Let's choose life and not death. Let's move the rudder even the slightest degree and get this ship back on track. It starts with us, the sold-out believers willing to sacrifice the temperal to reap the eternal. Seek Him; He wants to be found!

Fri and Sat nights were epic in worship. Cory Asbury and the IHOP crew led and Daddy blessed me with room to dance and go crazy. Yep, God is still real. He knows what I need. And He loves me. Sat night they ended the conference in true CTF fashion with fire tunnels and despite not being on school this term I joined the crew on the outside of the tunnel, right where I love to be! Wow - truly the only word to say. It was rockin', I danced almost the whole time, and I lost my voice. :) Erin, our beloved driver, was still drunk (in the Spirit) on the way home driving and walking....hilarious.

"If you know the Lord's been good to you,
I say, if you know the Lord's been good to you,
Yeah, if you know the Lord's been good to you,
Then dance, dance, dance!"

Peace.

Humbled by love

Yes, I traded the amazing and brightly beautiful 75 degree weather of Raleigh, North Carolina for the gloomy and barely 40 degree Toronto, Ontario. Meteorological circumstances aside, I couldn't be more thrilled to be here. When I contemplated coming it was basically to see my SOM family though I wondered how missed I could possibly have been since new people have since joined the school and life goes on. Flights today went fine and I plowed through a good portion of Ivan and Isabel's Your Destiny (fabulous) and the drive with Nathan and Stephan was pleasant as well. Wasn't quite sure what to expect walking in the doors but I was soon humbled (and blessed) by the reception. Probably stemming from some unresolved UGBs I really didn't think people would care that much that I was there - kinda like that awkward reception you get when you go back to your high school and no there cares or even knows who you are. But....People do know me and they doooo care! I am loved. What an exciting revelation. :) That I saw so many loved ones...ahh it makes my heart swell! I think I'm still in a bit of shock and my emotions haven't fully caught up to the situation. Am I truly seeing these amazing people that I have missed so dearly?! Oh wow, God you are amazing!

A fellow member of Team BABES who lives in Toronto is letting me stay at her house this week, which is wonderful and it has been delightful chatting with her, and already I have seen what an encouragement she is speaking into me and how I'm doing the same for her. Again, amazing. Just what we both needed. The week has just begun and excitement is an understatement for what I'm feeling toward it at the moment...especially with how things started off exponentially better than I could have imagined.

God is amazing!
Peace.

Avoiding or Refreshing?

In the midst of numerous things that seem to be obstacles blocking me from a smooth road in life arises the opportunity to go to Toronto this week for some much need friend time in one of the most wonderful spiritual atmospheres I know.

Growing up, as much of us agree, is only looked forward to with anticipation until one becomes 18 or perhaps 21, the two ages that scream "adulthood" whether or not they deliver on such promises. After this age, or even as we quickly approach them, we realize that growing up and gaining responsibility is actually rather daunting and who on earth would want to go there? While I have left the nest already, more than once in fact, I have been shielded from certain "adult" responsibilities until now. Now I am almost literally on my own with my own life to support in just about every way. The realization of this along with the transition of moving to another state has been a blow to establishment of denial in my mind that I am actually growing up. Oh, indeed time has not slowed. Much to the contrary here I am learning to take care of all the politics in life that have previously not been my concern. Boo hiss. This was my dream; to move away (and south if possible) from Indiana. But details tend to encroach on the "happily ever after" carefree spirit of traveling adventurer. If only others would take care of them for me! But alas, I must trade in at least a few pairs of my Penny Loafers in exchange for some big girl shoes. Hopefully, not too high in the heel.

So to address the first question...is this trip a much needed reprieve from the complicated web that moving, vehicle registration, insurance, and change of address forms creates or am I just jumping at the opportunity to avoid it all for a week? Answer: Yes. And I intend to enjoy myself while I'm at it. :)

SOZO

So the job thing didn't really turn out to be what was posted which was quite disappointing. Thus, I am still jobless and attempting with the utmost effort not to be downcast. I really need work....aaaaarrrrggghhhhhh!

In other news a couple of us from the office get to go to another church tonight and tomorrow for some SOZO training. SOZO is inner heart healing counseling that was birthed out of Bethel in Redding. It's slightly similiar to RTF (Restoring the Foundations by Betsy and Chester Kylstra). At this point I'm just hoping they have hands-on training...I feel I need a bit of ministry. haha.

But as I'm hearing from the IHOP Prayer Room at the moment, "The Lord is my light and my salvation, whom shall I fear? You are my refuge. You are my tower of strength, and you are my shelter. I run into your Name."

Greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world. Amen.

Job Perhaps

I am actually getting slightly excited... Tonight I am attending an infromation session concerning a job that I am interested in. The contact seemed friendly enough and want me to make sure and chat with her this evening...I hope it goes well. And of all the jobs that I've applied to in the past few weeks this one seems rather interesting with the possibility of being truly enjoyable which is something valued in a job for sure. Lord Jesus, please guide me to the right job for me in this season. Amen.

Do we have to have a title...???

Greetings. So I have survived my first week as an intern. Honestly, it wasn't too bad. Thankfully I'm only there three days a week (plan being that I will have a job to fill the other days. please, keep praying about that one.) because it seemed quite easy to get "stuck" at the church. Monday I ended up staying there til 10ish cuz of a leadership meeting in the evening and I just didn't go home - it takes a while to get to and fro. omigoodness craziness! Anywho, a lot of the things I'm working on now are centered around a trip to South Africa and Mozambique that will be happening in July. If anyone would like to donate to my mission fund, perhaps I'd be able to go too! Or I might be able to go to England, Australia, or any other number of locations. Haven't been on a mission trip in a long time*...I think it's time to make my travels centered on something eternal.

Life in Raleigh: I know I just got here and I have met a lot of people but still I miss friends and family and our relationships, and because I haven't established any deep relationships yet it can be a bit lonely at times. And for some reason loneliness tends to lead to inactivity. :( I see that as a double negative there, but I'm making attempts at not settling into shutin behavior. For instance, I made another attempt at biking yesterday and it was substantially more successful than the first one, though it is an unfortunate fact that the wind tends to blow Northeast and therefore in my face the whole way home. haha, oh, bother. I need it though.

Burning was last night, a monthly 6hr worship set at CTF Raleigh. I was only there for about 4hr but it was good; my feet are a bit raw from dancing. :) We prophesied to the winds and called the prodigals home and blessed each direction. Amen, let it be so.

Picture of the week:

Peace.
*aside from Outreach with SOM. can't count that one out!!

Office Time

My time has come. Yesteday was my first day in the office. Started it off with worship with the SoR where we had to sing prophetically over someone else. Ash and I sang over each other; 'twas really good. God is trying to get through my thick skull (and heart) that He really does love me. Why so hard to accept love? Then my day was a bit slow as far as work was concerned until I met with Ashlee about expectations and Kate (mi jefe) who was faithful in giving me a boat load to get started on. Whoo hoo. Today I started on that boat load and even without her there I got through a lot of it, of which I am more than proud of myself. :D Mas manana. I have never had an email account that filled up so fast...with emails that were actually pertinent to me (LU spam mail doesn't count).

Kathryn, fellow intern, took me out to sushi today! Delish. Oh, and on the topic of food... since I woke up too late to pack anything decent for lunch I just grabbed a can from the pantry knowing there is a kitchen at the church. Unfortunately, this kitchen is not used very often - aside from tea making - and thus, is very poorly stocked (we BOL'rs have nothing to complain about :) and so there is no can opener. After about 7 min, since seven is the perfect number, of trying to open the can with various knives, I found the butcher knife worked sufficiently well. Maybe next time I will open the can at home. Or take a better lunch. haha

The blosoms are gorgeous here and the pollen is everywhere! PTL I don't have allergies!
Peace

At least there was sun

At least there was sun
When I went for my run
Because other than that
It wasn't much fun

NC is so beautiful
Though the hills can be a bother
When you are out of shape (like I)
It makes things a lot harder

Then there was the bike ride
First of the season
With cars whipping by my side
One wonders if I have reason

My legs weren't ready
For that kind of commitment
Wind gusts against me uphill
Progress slow with such resistance

But, hey, I'm alive
Surviving my ride on Buffaloe Road
At least there was sun
Now I'm not going to moan.

:)