Steady On

It's seems like every time I open a blank page like this to start typing something profound about my life or what God's showing me I feel it must be just that: profound. Or poetic and poignant like Kathleen Kelly on You've Got Mail. Or deep and metaphorically insightful like Mrs. Fields, my senior English teacher. What if what I say just comes out like a mess of tangled spaghetti pasta? (No, spaghetti is not noodles, my word choice is correct; noodles are made with egg and pastas are not noodles...so my mother taught me.) Hey, it's my blog and I can spew what I need to, right? I guess there's that performance part of me that never wants to portray anything less than perfection and the charity side of me that wants what comes out to be in some semblance of order so maybe, just maybe, it might benefit a reader more than just a reading exercise. 

*sigh*

Anyway, getting past performance and all self-imposed expectations.... life is interesting now. Another form of transition. Shifting is still happening. Interesting how you can enter yet another season called by the same name (eg "transition) and yet it looks completely different. And I still am not entirely sure the "goal" of the moment. :) Am I supposed to? What would life look like anyway if I did know all the answers? "Lame, that's what it would be. Lame." So, despite the odd looks I get from those who think I should have a clear, direct, and nicely laid-out plan for my life, I'm becoming "ok" with the fact that I don't have all the answers. God does. And He calls us to trust. Somewhere in the Bible, many even more than a few times throughout that beautiful book, Daddy God implores us to trust Him. And that is what I plan to do. "And when I don't understand, I will choose you, God. And when I don't understand, I will choose to trust you, Lord." (Bryan and Katie Torwalt- beautiful music)

This past semester I took a Homiletics class (preaching) and in so doing was given the opportunity to give two sermons to the class. We focused on incarnational preaching - preaching out of experience from something that we have personally gone through and reached the other side - so I preached on "Faith" for one and "Trust" for the other, drawing from past experiences where God showed up for me. Now I find myself in a situation where I'm often tempted to freak out and cry hysterically to anyone close to me because I have no clue what I'm doing (speaking mainly here in the vocational sense - I recently quit my office job but haven't quite decided what comes after life in a "cubicle"). Then I have to ironically remind myself of the two topics that I just covered while exhorting my classmates to lean on God no matter the circumstance. Faith & Trust. Ahhhh... time to put some action with that faith, eh? Indeed.

So, what am I doing about it? This tends to be one of the main questions asked to me and now I do have an answer for that one. 

1. I'm focusing on relationship with Him. Sounds cliche, I know, but I've finally had a revelation of what this actually looks like for me. Crazy, I'm 24 and it's about time I say. I've loved Him my whole life it is about time we get the relationship thing down. So, for me, this means: no agenda. I'm going to spend time with God with no agenda. I don't need another prophetic word or spend time asking what to do. I just need to be. With Him. Quality time at it's finest. From relationship direction may come, or it may not but as long as I'm traveling this road with Him, I will be perfectly satisfied. 

2. In the mean time - of discovering my heart's desire, walking into the next door God has for me, or some combination of the two - I will be serving coffee with a smile to locals in need of a caffeine kick and a friendly face. May the Holy Spirit splash on them all. :) Funny, I'm in this place; I have said in the past that being a barista for a time would be fun. Guess this is my time. Carpe Diem, I suppose.

Blessed be the name of the Lord. Amen.

Haha. Peace.

Side 2

They say...

Your love comes in and desplaces the fear
The weight on my chest gets traded for gold charms
And the maze in my head becomes a garden of life
You place a trumpet and music box in my throat
And massage oil into my dry and weary heart

But all these illustrations
Can't replace a real encounter
Have I even had one of those?

I'm tired of living in my mind
Trying to figure it all out
What your're saying
      And what you're not
What you want me to do
And where you'd like me to go

A sick guessing game which some call "faith"
I'm tired of insulting you

Take me from the swirling cloud of my thoughts
Bury me in simplicity
      In Truth
Strip away the cellophane
Wrap me in you

I need to hear you once again
Brush back my hair and lean in close
How do I please you, my King?

Side 1

My insides turn in acrobatics
The thoughts in my head get lost in a maze
     Running away
From the chasing shadow of fear

Chest constricted
     Breath restricted
By the cement block crushing my lungs

Into the sinking sand I go 
Not knowing how I got here
Vocal chords long since swallowed
      Make no sound
And my arms float by my side

Everything in me is headed toward chaos

What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up?

The glorious question as a child becomes the dreaded question of many undecided teenagers and young adults. Even not-as-young adults who have still to answer the question to their satisfaction. Oh, dear. What DO I want to BE when I grow up? What does it even MEAN to "grow up"? Have I grown up or is there still some "growing" to be had? ...

This week we are hosting many of the Catch The Fire pastors from around the world (mostly North America since the travel is shorter for them) and being the amazing office worker that I am, I was privileged to be on transport duty some of yesterday. On one drive, my passenger candidly asks this loaded question. Duh, duh, dunnnnn. What did I say? Well... what should I have said? And what is my real answer to the question?

What do I want to be when I grow up?

Settled. This is my dream. This is all I really want. I want to be settled. In every way. Mind, Soul, and Spirit. Life and the growing up that comes with it is really not about DO'ing or BE'coming anything. I can do or be (in the professional sense) anything I could ever care to do or be. It really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things, ya know. With the talents and abilities that God has blessed me, I could become a doctor or accountant or a plain ol' office manager. Who cares? Life and the reward thereof is not about any sort of performance or accomplishment. I can travel or not - though I would most definitely prefer the former. As long as I'm settled in my identity as a daughter of God and my relationship with Him I will go or stay wherever He says. I will "be" whatever He leads me to "be" and "do" whatever He guides me to "do", but as long as I'm His and He travels this road with me, I'll be OK and perfectly content. That is all I want and all I could ever ask for. 

I want to be settled. I want the faith and unwavering trust in my Savior and Daddy that I won't ever feel unsure about anything. Of course, I may not have the answers for everything (or anything for that matter) but I will know that beyond a shadow of a doubt, "it's all good" because HE is only Good. Shabba.

To be settled. This is what I call rest for the mind, soul, and spirit, where I don't have to be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, I can present my requests to God, knowing full well that He holds me in the palm of His hand and He works all things together for the good of those who love Him. Which would be ME!! Yay. I'm covered. And in that, I can rest assured that God's got it.

Peace.

Happy Half-Birthday To MEEE!!!

I think that half-birthdays should be valued with much higher esteem than most people currently do. It's a big deal, come on! :) 

Today I have reached another 6mo mark of life. Whoo hoo. Let's see here... in the past 6 months what has happened? I've been to two weddings, my sister moved in with Michelle and me (and her life has changed ridiculously), I helped lead a mission trip to Mozambique and South Africa with Duncan and Kate, I went to Nashville for Thanksgiving and Indy for Christmas, we moved into a new apartment, we gained a new roommate, we brought the two cats down from Indy, and I'm now in the market for a new job come the end of March. Yay for transition, acceleration, and change. God never changes (Praise Him!) but He is always on the move. So glad I serve a God who is not stagnant, complacent, boring, or aloof. And in keeping with that nature, He doesn't allow His daughters to be any of the above either.

Today, Carlos (lead pastor at CTFR) preached on honoring ourselves. We are the ones we spend the most amount of time with but how much of that time are we speaking negative words and thoughts over ourselves? But who does God say we are? He calls us sons and daughters. He predestined us to be adopted into His family through the blood of His precious Son, Jesus. Who are we to discredit this sacrifice and devaluing the joy set before Him for which He endured the cross? Romans says it is by the Spirit that we are called sons, and that is precisely what we are!! I believe it is high-time to cut the crap of false humility and accept who God says we are - WE ARE AWESOME - and to start honoring ourselves as such.

So bless yourself today. And take a moment to listen...what is God speaking over you right now? Who does He say you are? And what part of your identity is He wanting to root deep in your heart? Again in Romans it says, "if you believe in your heart...and confess with your mouth... you will be saved." 

Choose to believe the TRUTH today. There may be facts about you that aren't so pretty  but then there is the Truth. And Truth has a name: Jesus. And He has something entirely different to say about who you are and what your value is. Choose to believe Him today. And every day. In all things. No matter what. And then repeat this Truth over yourself in honor until your heart believes what your mouth is confessing.

For me, He says:

I am beautiful. I am cherished.

I was made with intention. I have purpose.

Not Forgotten

"Be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age." Matt 28:20

"So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the LORD your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you." Deut 31:6

So despite the times when I can't see more than two inches in front of my face, I am not forgotten. I am not left with nothing. God's plans for me are still the same, even when I don't see what they are, and they are good. 

Love having friends in my life who are dedicated to reminding me of these things that I know and believe and yet have let lose power to bring the hope I need to sustain me each day.

Times are a-changing which can be fun and exciting to experience but the process can also be a bit unsettling if you don't yet have a clear picture of how things are changing or what they are changing into. These are the times when God's persistent prodding to "REMEMBER" proves most helpful. 

Remember every time God has brought breakthrough in your life thus far.
Remember all the blessings you experience every day now.
Remember the promises God has spoken over your life.
Remember that all His plans for you are GOOD.
Remember that not even the littlest sparrow can fall to the ground without Him noticing.
Remember you are never alone.
Remember you are more than a conquerer.

"Be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the LORD your God is with you wherever you go. No one will be able to stand against you as long as you live. For I will be with you as I was with Moses. I will not fail you or abandon you." Josh 1:9,5

"The LORD your God is giving you a place of rest. He has given you this land." Josh 1:13

Remember. You are not forgotten.

Deadlines

They impose upon us in every stage and way of life practically. School, work, family. Due dates for writing an essay, completing a project, or preparing for a certain occasion. Get it done or face the consequences of a lower mark, poor review, or embarrassing lack of preparedness. We make them for ourselves (New Year's Resolutions, anyone?) and others make them for us. Natural? Yes.

But what about deadlines with God? Does it even work that way? Who are we to place a deadline on the Almighty? And who are we that He would actually honor that deadline? Is it "stepping out in faith" that pleases Him to answer our desperate plea for an answer at "such and such" a time? Surely it's not just a begrudging response in order to maintain His character...why would He feel pressured to do such a thing?

God, how do You feel when we make such demands? Shouldn't we be more trusting to allow You to "work all things for our good" in Your own perfect timing? Isn't that what true faith is? 

And what if it's a promising deadline for one party and what feels like a damning one for the second? Does that negate anything? Does simple agreement that should said deadline come to pass it would be a nice confirmation that that's what I'm "supposed" to do make it valid and standing?

Umm...and side question: how 'right' is it to purposely plant doubt in another? That doesn't quite sit well with me. Let's seek the Lord together instead, how 'bout it, and lean on His understanding. Surely, He will make my paths straight and guide me into all Truth.