I Need You

You are calm when my heart's a'storm
You are steady as I teeter on the edge
You are the Rock, my immovable strength
With you nothing is impossible

Your love flows on the breeze
Your joy coming back to me
I lift my eyes to the hills
And this puddle of misery
Falls out of view

In the morning I will rise and call you blessed
In my next breath I will call myself the same

Matthew 6

25 “That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? 27 Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?

28 “And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, 29 yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. 30 And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?

31 “So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ 32 These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. 33 Seek the Kingdom of God[d] above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.

34 “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.

Untitled

Let's surrender, lay down, and give up, shall we?
   all the sentiments and considerations
       of self-loathing, contempt, and slavery.
Depress, repress, expel
   every poisonous thought
       that plagues your mind and steals your joy.

Be free, oh, soul, of your many constraints
   Shine your light, dance in the sun, embrace the moon
       Breathe not the stale air of your prison any longer

Fall down, collapse on the Rock
   He will crush you; you will shatter
       You will break...but aren't we broken already?
Awaking, you will find His breath in your lungs
   your chains are dust at your feet
   and you mind clear of the crowding, competing, noisy thoughts
        that shackled you to the fog of paralyzing depression

So be free, oh, soul, of your many constraints
    Shine your light, dance in the sun, embrace the moon
        Breath not the stale air of your prison any longer

Lift, elevate, raise up your eyes
    Up to the mountains, see your Savior
    Hear His song cascading into your valley of hopelessness.

Just Start

This year for me has been one about getting around to doing all (well, let's be honest, some) of the things that I've considered or toyed with doing in that elusive "some day". Why not this year? Why not do what you say you've always wanted to do and see what happens? Why don't you START? Not sure how much progress I have made in all those areas but I can at least attest to one and for me, that is something. Our lives are rather complex so leave it to the over-achiever eager-beaver to believe that she can drastically change and improve every aspect in the course of a few months. Ha! Guess I still have five months left in this beautiful year, so I'll let you know how it goes. 

One thing I have pursued and gained ground with: Triathlons. It's always been hard for me to start new things (like hobbies, activities, clubs, and such), no matter how much I'm interested in it, without having an "in". Insecurity bug still there, I see. In high school I was ecstatic when a friend helped me get into biking. Later I bought a bike and it traveled with me to Nashville, back to Indy, and then Raleigh seeing use here and there. Just not the same without a riding buddy and it was sometimes hard to ride without a goal in mind. Now I have one and I'm up to 53miles in a ride. Oh goodness. As for running, I had been in track throughout school as well as other active sports, so I had the running part "down" but swimming? Errrr... not sure about that one. Still I always had interest to done tris and I would say so, but nothing happened. My brother then started doing them and it felt like he was going 0 to 60 in .5 seconds and I was still at the Start Line with my good intentions. If we don't start that's where we stay, sadly. So at the end of 2012, I decided the view from the Start Line was getting a bit boring - I had been there a while - so I started signing up for races. There was a half-marathon on St. Patrick's Day, my first tri (a short all-women's one) in April, and another short one in June, all to get me ready for September....a half-IronMan. Now, let's be real, THE goal is a full IronMan but you can't tank on a thing like that so experience sounds like a good thing. Besides, you should have fun too, right? And they have been. I think I should do some more so they become more fun and less "I'm freaked out cuz I've never done this before and I don't want to screw up". Before Tri #1 I trained for two weeks and only went to the pool three times the week prior to the race. Hehe. For the behemoth coming up, don't worry I started training two months beforehand. :) Am I nuts? Jury's out.

It's just one area and I have so many more in the bullpen that I'd love to improve but it's all about stepping off the Start Line and gaining momentum. I find it crazy thinking that a year ago I hadn't run a half-marathon or any distance close to that and I hadn't completed any triathlons, and now I have!! Cool, eh? And it's like my roommate and I are fond of saying, "Next year, things are going to look incredibly different!" So much can happen in a year especially if we are open to it and keep moving toward our dreams.

Enjoy chasing them today!

Peace.

Steady On

It's seems like every time I open a blank page like this to start typing something profound about my life or what God's showing me I feel it must be just that: profound. Or poetic and poignant like Kathleen Kelly on You've Got Mail. Or deep and metaphorically insightful like Mrs. Fields, my senior English teacher. What if what I say just comes out like a mess of tangled spaghetti pasta? (No, spaghetti is not noodles, my word choice is correct; noodles are made with egg and pastas are not noodles...so my mother taught me.) Hey, it's my blog and I can spew what I need to, right? I guess there's that performance part of me that never wants to portray anything less than perfection and the charity side of me that wants what comes out to be in some semblance of order so maybe, just maybe, it might benefit a reader more than just a reading exercise. 

*sigh*

Anyway, getting past performance and all self-imposed expectations.... life is interesting now. Another form of transition. Shifting is still happening. Interesting how you can enter yet another season called by the same name (eg "transition) and yet it looks completely different. And I still am not entirely sure the "goal" of the moment. :) Am I supposed to? What would life look like anyway if I did know all the answers? "Lame, that's what it would be. Lame." So, despite the odd looks I get from those who think I should have a clear, direct, and nicely laid-out plan for my life, I'm becoming "ok" with the fact that I don't have all the answers. God does. And He calls us to trust. Somewhere in the Bible, many even more than a few times throughout that beautiful book, Daddy God implores us to trust Him. And that is what I plan to do. "And when I don't understand, I will choose you, God. And when I don't understand, I will choose to trust you, Lord." (Bryan and Katie Torwalt- beautiful music)

This past semester I took a Homiletics class (preaching) and in so doing was given the opportunity to give two sermons to the class. We focused on incarnational preaching - preaching out of experience from something that we have personally gone through and reached the other side - so I preached on "Faith" for one and "Trust" for the other, drawing from past experiences where God showed up for me. Now I find myself in a situation where I'm often tempted to freak out and cry hysterically to anyone close to me because I have no clue what I'm doing (speaking mainly here in the vocational sense - I recently quit my office job but haven't quite decided what comes after life in a "cubicle"). Then I have to ironically remind myself of the two topics that I just covered while exhorting my classmates to lean on God no matter the circumstance. Faith & Trust. Ahhhh... time to put some action with that faith, eh? Indeed.

So, what am I doing about it? This tends to be one of the main questions asked to me and now I do have an answer for that one. 

1. I'm focusing on relationship with Him. Sounds cliche, I know, but I've finally had a revelation of what this actually looks like for me. Crazy, I'm 24 and it's about time I say. I've loved Him my whole life it is about time we get the relationship thing down. So, for me, this means: no agenda. I'm going to spend time with God with no agenda. I don't need another prophetic word or spend time asking what to do. I just need to be. With Him. Quality time at it's finest. From relationship direction may come, or it may not but as long as I'm traveling this road with Him, I will be perfectly satisfied. 

2. In the mean time - of discovering my heart's desire, walking into the next door God has for me, or some combination of the two - I will be serving coffee with a smile to locals in need of a caffeine kick and a friendly face. May the Holy Spirit splash on them all. :) Funny, I'm in this place; I have said in the past that being a barista for a time would be fun. Guess this is my time. Carpe Diem, I suppose.

Blessed be the name of the Lord. Amen.

Haha. Peace.

Side 2

They say...

Your love comes in and desplaces the fear
The weight on my chest gets traded for gold charms
And the maze in my head becomes a garden of life
You place a trumpet and music box in my throat
And massage oil into my dry and weary heart

But all these illustrations
Can't replace a real encounter
Have I even had one of those?

I'm tired of living in my mind
Trying to figure it all out
What your're saying
      And what you're not
What you want me to do
And where you'd like me to go

A sick guessing game which some call "faith"
I'm tired of insulting you

Take me from the swirling cloud of my thoughts
Bury me in simplicity
      In Truth
Strip away the cellophane
Wrap me in you

I need to hear you once again
Brush back my hair and lean in close
How do I please you, my King?